Mechanics of Motivation
Motivation is created when we imagine the pleasure we will feel by having something we desire. It is intensified when we imagine the pain we will feel if we were to end up with something we hate instead. The more vividly we imagine how we will feel, and the more specifically we describe what we want and don’t want, the greater the force that is created. Persistent inspiration is produced through persistent mental attention on our desire, along with a periodic look at the outcome we would hate when a jolt of encouragement is needed. Utilizing both of these opposing mental strategies stimulates a potent force.
For our purpose here, we will utilize this technique to create the motivation to persevere through any disappointment or adversity and reach our goal of finding the one who’s right. The foundation of our motivation is our vision of the kind of relationship experience we want and don’t want in the future.
Contrasting Scenarios for Motivation
The following contrasting scenarios provide dramatic examples of the type of images that will incite the motivation needed for this quest. If you recognize your own experience in parts of these descriptions, use them to start putting together a picture of the kind of relationship experience you want and don’t want in the future.
We’ll begin with a description of what life might be like with a person who’s wrong for you. Imagine yourself married to a person who argues with you, ridicules you, and ignores you. A person who conflicts with your principles, overlooks your needs, and disagrees with your ideas for the future. A person who criticizes your dreams, discourages your resolve, and weakens your self-assurance. A person who aggravates your nerves, dulls your intellect, and misinterprets your words. A person who you have come to despise and who has come to despise you. Now imagine all the negative ways in which such a toxic relationship would affect your life and how it would make you feel if you were experiencing it right now.
Now we’ll describe what life could be like with a person who’s right for you. Imagine spending your days with a person who harmonizes with you, laughs with you, and cries with you. A person who shares your outlook, fulfills your needs, and embraces your vision of the future. A person who supports your dreams, inspires your determination, and strengthens your confidence. A person who enriches your spirit, stimulates your mind, and listens to your thoughts. A person you adore and who adores you. Now imagine all the positive ways in which such an enriching relationship would affect your life and how it would make you feel if you were experiencing it right now.
By examining the relationship experiences that have shaped you and by identifying the kind you want in the future, you will be able to craft images that will provoke your motivation to reach your goal. The following discussions are designed to help bring this about.
Painful Images
What was one of the most painful experiences of your life? What incident caused the greatest loss to your confidence and sense of worth? Which one left you feeling alone, confused, and despondent? What experience caused you to cringe when you thought about it?
For most of us, it was when a relationship ended with a person we deeply loved. The pain from this can be particularly excruciating if it ended because of dishonesty or unfaithfulness. Remember how devastated you felt and how you instantly saw the world as an ugly and hostile place? Remember the rage, disillusionment, and sadness you experienced and how it took away your energy, dreams, and sense of well-being?
Another source of pain for many comes from witnessing the horrendous relationship between their parents. If your parents were like this, you’ll remember all the nasty arguments and fights. These images can serve to provoke your resolve not to live such an existence.
Recall the most painful relationship experiences of your life. Then assemble the images of them into a mental portrait that best represents the relationship experience that you do not want in the future.
Joyful Images
What was one of the most glorious experiences of your life? Which one inspires a profound sense of wonder and excitement in you? Which one can be replayed so vividly in your mind that you experience it all over again? Your senses become activated. You see every detail of the scene. You hear the sounds of the environment or a particular song replay in your mind. You smell the fragrances. You feel the intense emotions. Once again, you feel incredible pleasure and joy.
For most of us, it involved an interaction with a person with whom we had a strong romantic interest. Many of the purest forms of these experiences occur early in life, perhaps your first love. Remember how your relationship with them affected your entire being? Everything in your life suddenly became wonderful and exciting. You were overflowing with energy, confidence, and a sense of fulfillment.
Restore your faith in love by recalling your earliest and grandest memories of being in love. Use these to contribute to your mental painting of the relationship experience you want in the future. This will strengthen your motivation.
True Love’s Imagery
Finding the one who’s right can change everything in your life! Suddenly, you will take notice of all the incredible beauty that exists in the world that you’ve taken for granted for so long. You’ll appreciate the simpler things in life the way you did when you were a child. And you will be inspired in a powerful way that only true love with another person can bring. Not only will you start to have grand ambitions again, but you’ll also believe that you can truly attain them. In short, your spirit will be reborn!
Throughout history, those who have found the love of their life have been inspired to accomplish some miraculous things. They have built castles, palaces, skyscrapers, cities, and gigantic business enterprises. They have created magnificent paintings, ballads, operas, plays, films, poems, books, and sculptures. I would propose that the advancement of civilization is directly linked to our ability and capacity to love. Without the love and support of their partner, many people would not have become a nation’s leader, a CEO of a large corporation, a renowned scientist, or a sports legend.
But the things a couple accomplishes together as a team are the true measures of the degree to which they are right for each other. Prime indicators include the ability to create a comforting home environment, build a strong economic future, establish quality social relationships, and attain individual goals. If these areas are progressing well, and children are part of your plan, there will be no need to worry; they will just follow your lead as a couple.
Formulating Images for Motivation
Hopefully, the above discussions triggered some enlightening recollections and inspiring ambitions for you. Select those memories from the past, and visions for the future, that arouse your passions the most. Then craft some mental images of the kind of relationship experience you want most and least in the future. Use these images to fuel a relentless motivation within you to find the one who’s right!
Remember that the strength of your motivation is determined by how vivid and emotionally charged your images are of what you want and don’t want and by the amount of mental attention you give them. They become vivid when you add details. They become emotionally charged when you attach how you will feel. And they become active in generating motivation when you focus on them often.